I need to wake up, get up, get out of bed.

I need to wake up, get up, get out of bed.

I need to brush my teeth,
look at myself in the mirror,
Turn the corners of my mouth up
Put my pants on, choose a sweater
Make breakfast (which I often leave untouched).
I need to write, I need to leave the house,
to see people, to meet people, to shake hands, to chit chat, to go to the grocery store, to the park, to the café, to find a new route home.
I need to close the door and open the door.
I need to sit on the tube, next to a stranger.
I need to watch a couple going up the escalator
kissing, giggling, holding hands
I need to go home,
I need to cook myself dinner, cook dinner for myself.
I need to look out the window and wonder, “What is he doing right now?”
Because
I need to accept the change.
The days are not the same anymore. The morning light is different, the smell in the room is not the same, there’s silence now. Sometimes I ask, “Wouldn’t it have been easier to stay? I was happy, wasn’t I? How can this possibly hurt so much?”

But listen, love (because you matter).

We need to wake up.
We need to close the door, we need to open the door.
We need to go to that yoga class, we need to go and see our friends, we need to make ourselves dinner, the first one, for ourselves.
We need to drink too much red wine because there’s no one to control us. We need to laugh. We need to go out in nature, to feel the sky above our head, to feel the cold grass beneath our feet.
We need to cry between the milk and the cheese selection at Tesco’s, squeezing a bottle of orange juice between our hands like an anchor.
We need to be okay on our own
when there’s nothing to do, nothing to read, nothing to watch, no one to chat with.
We need to sit with our feelings, we need to be alone
Because, “The only constant thing is change.” The change that I was seeking  for so long.
By accepting that things are not the same anymore, we can start healing, adapting to it.
Only then can we start breathing, without holding it in every other breath.

Listen to me, love: this is good for us.

Deep down, we know this is the right thing to do.
Now, take it easy.
Feel it. Slowly.
Grab the feelings when they are good, bad, even when they are sad.
Because one day,
We will wake up, and we won’t have to force ourselves out of bed
One day, we will have already made the breakfast
And gone to work
And finished the yoga class
And made the dinner and sat by ourselves, and
we will smile, and the smile will not be an escape.

One day, we will feel good again.
We will be whole again.
~

Author: Sara Kärpänen

Image:  coloredgrey / Flickr 

Editor: Toby Israel